growinghumans


to tell, or not to tell? that is the question.
January 9, 2011, 12:59 pm
Filed under: pregnancy

Some people are freaking weird about telling their friends and family when they are pregnant. Okay, that sounded harsh. I understand maybe 75% why people wait an extended period of time to tell friends and family when they are pregnant. Maybe there’s a cultural protocol that is above my plane of understanding. Maybe there is some superstition brought on by past trauma’s or miscarriages. Maybe they are waiting until they can tell people face to face or over a holiday situation so it is a huge “OMG” moment. That’s fine.

I, however, peed on a stick at 5:30 am, was on the phone with my mother by 8 am telling her and by about noon, most people at my place of employment knew. Why? Well, I’m a huge blabber mouth and gossip queen and what better gossip than, “Dude, I’m knocked up. Pass it on.” I take a sense of pride in starting my own gossip, honestly. It’s like buying stock early before it jumps up in price. And then by the time it gets back to you , you can fully assess who in your circle of friends is trust worthy and who is spreading shit behind your back. Did that last part make me sound bitter? My bad.

Anyway, yes, I told pretty much everyone when I got to work that day. Mostly because I was freaking out. Lots of people tsk tsk’d me for opening my big fertile mouth so early but here is how I saw it:

I am with you people for at least 8 hours out of the day. I am in and out of your classrooms. If I am not feeling so hot that day, or–God forbid–something happens…I want you all in know. To me, it wasn’t a fear of ‘if I lose the baby I will have to tell all these people’. It was more like, ‘if I lose the baby, look at all these people who will help me through it’. I really cut out the middle man by not having to explain, ‘okay, so, I was pregnant but then I miscarried so now could you help me through this hard time…that is, after you wrap your head around the fact that I *was* pregnant?’ See what I did there?  Of course, this all goes back to my previous theory that all women do once they are pregnant is expect the worst because of media’s overabundance of failed pregnancy messages. But, I digress (a lot…might as well get used to that now).

Another bonus to telling my friends and family early was that, honestly, I had a lot of questions even that early on in the pregnancy. If I sneezed more than usual I was able someone who had already been through it if it was normal, etc. It gave me a sense of comfort–like I was living in The Red Tent (arbitrary literary references–I do that a lot, too).

Plus, people treat you really nicely when you are pregnant. Like, really nicely. You get to cut people in line at the super market, everyone tells you how beautiful you look (even though you probably don’t), they buy you presents, they offer to bring you food ALL THE TIME (no, seriously. all. the. time.). Why wouldn’t you want to cash in on that AS SOON AS POSSIBLE? Because, trust me, they give you about a week after you push that Tiny Human out and then that’s it. The supply line is cut off so fast, you’ll think you’re fighting the front lines at Bastogne during World War II (random historical references–that’s right–I do that a lot, too).

So, here’s the thing with ‘coming out of the closet’ with your Tiny Human:

If you want an intimate opening experience with this little tadpole then fine, keep your secret. But there is something to be said for the whole ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ mantra. Get that village on high alert early. Enjoy the attention and love. You are about to enter the most trying time of your life and you are going to need them, I promise this.

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grasping the concept of conception.
January 7, 2011, 10:37 pm
Filed under: pregnancy

The business of getting pregnant with a Tiny Human has proved to be horrendous for some women. People chart their ovulation, their body temperature, the consistency of their vaginal mucus…they get completely obsessed with their own fertility. Which is fine, for them. I decided early on that I was going to go off the pill and kind of step back and see what would happen–or what wouldn’t happen. I gave myself the benchmark of 5 months before I would start with the whole fertility circus. Everyone assured me that it may take that long, or even longer, to get the hormones out of my system from being on the pill for nearly 10 years so I was prepared for the long haul, I thought.

And yet, that first month when I stopped my BC and got a period my initial reaction was, “OH MY GOD. SOMETHING IS WRONG. I AM FLAWED AS A WOMAN.” Society and media put way too much emphasis on fertility issues, I think. By exploiting woman who have issues and cramming down our throats that, “it’s okay if your body can’t do it, we have petri-dishes that can do it for you” we are, in turn, still devaluing our female morale.  Everyone with a uterus walks around, afraid to find out if their equipment is going to work. The actual act of making this human is quickly swept under the rug of prognosis. Sex becomes a mechanical, scheduled procedure in which we expect our poor male counterparts to endure with a smile and a nod, so to say. “We are having sex on this day. Please tell your sperm to show up.” I suppose it’s not much easier for them, is it? Poor fellas

Anyway, I went through 2 ‘cycles’ after going off BC before getting knocked up. Only 2. I got knocked up real good–my periods hadn’t even gone back to normal yet so I wasn’t even sure that I was late when I was actually late. And I then proceeded to have a healthy, fairly uneventful pregnancy.

I suppose what I’m saying is–when you decide to try and grow a human, you need to give yourself a honeymoon phase before diving into the deep end of “why aren’t I pregnant yet???” Eliminate the birth control, get some wine and just have sex with your man already. And for the love of God, don’t listen to people when they tell you WHY you aren’t pregnant yet. Unless they are literally going to crawl up into your uterus and give your eggs a pep talk, they don’t get an opinion. The end.



Now, listen.
January 7, 2011, 12:54 pm
Filed under: this entry is too short to even warrant a category.

“Being pregnant is a magical time!” You know what ‘they’ mean when they say this? It’s like that trick that magicians do on stage; you know the one–where they ask an unsuspecting audience member to step into a box so they can be sawed in half. The audience ‘oohs’ and ‘ahhs’ and then after a few moments the magician pushes the dismembered participant back together. When they emerge from the box, they appear to be amazed, but you have a sneaking suspicion that just below the surface they are crapping their pants.

Yeah, it’s kind of like that. Magical.

And in this blog, I’m going to talk about it.