a disertation on vomit.
February 5, 2011, 12:36 pm
Filed under: pregnancy

Right. Morning sickness. Here’s the deal with this:

You may not get sick. You may coast through your first trimester all glowing and happy and basking in your awesomeness while still being able to eat food. Great for you. I, however, hit week 8 (to the day) and began dying slowly, it felt like. So, if you are one of those people that I listed first…kindly go into the bathroom, stand in front of your mirror, pat yourself on the back and never ever mention it to me because I will probably be tempted to round-house-kick you in the face.

Morning sickness is another one of those joyful parts of pregnancy that everyone and their mother (literally) has a suggestion for. Drink ginger ale! Keep a box of saltines next to your bed and eat one before you stand up! You know what these things did for me? Made me throw up. I still can’t drink ginger ale without getting queasy.

The best thing for conquering your morning sickness is to find out what exactly is causing it–or at least identify the pattern of what happens before you get sick.

For me, it was brushing my teeth or anything that could potentially activate my newly-highly-sensitive gag reflex. I would brush my teeth, go to spit and….yeah. Every. Single. Morning.

A lot of people also claim that once they would throw up, they would feel fine for the rest of the day. No such luck for me. I would throw up in the morning and feel like I was riding right on the brink of throwing up for the rest of the day. I dropped almost 10 pounds my first trimester. I had no appetite and what I could get in my stomach was clearly not welcome. It was a very rough patch for me…and my husband. Every morning he would wake up to the sound of his wife retching (loudly) in the bathroom, begging her tiny peanut fetus to stop pushing the vomit button.  I would finish my business, stand up and a hand would appear from behind the door, holding a glass of water. Every. Single. Morning. He later expressed how helpless he felt knowing that all he could do was to keep my hydrated enough so I wouldn’t pass out. Poor guy (this is only slightly sarcastic…a great departure for me, I know).

I am now going to disclose what finally worked for me (and by worked I mean, keep me alive until the magic of the second trimester began).

1. Emetrol. After about a week and a half of throwing up and coming close to passing out at work, I called up the nurse helpline at my OB…crying. That wonderful mother-hen of a woman gave me some of the best advice of my entire pregnancy–including Imetrol. It is a cherry flavored syrup (no alcohol in it so very safe for baby) that STOPPED the vomiting immediately. Now, it should be noted that I still felt vaguely queasy all day…but at least I was able to keep what little food I could manage IN MY STOMACH. I know some people end up getting a prescription for Zofran, too. I guess my point is: IT’S OKAY TO TAKE MEDICINE FOR THIS.

2. Get out of bed. It is really easy to let the fact that you feel so rotten keep you bed ridden for days at a time. What I realized, though, was that by staying bed…I was making myself feel worse. I think it has something to do with hormones settling but that may be a placebo explanation. The point is that the more you get up and move around, the less you feel sick. I promise. If you let the sickness control you, you will be miserable. You will cry and take back getting pregnant. GET OUT OF BED. GO TO WORK. They know you’re pregnant. It’s okay if you throw up a little bit once you get there. Take advantage of the fact that this is the only time in your life where it’s mildly adorable to vomit.

3. Change your toothpaste to a gel. Okay this may not help everyone but it surely helped me. I got a ‘sweet mint’ gel and found that it really cut down on the post-brushing gag fests. Less foam or something.

4. EAT. Did you know that the sick-to-your-stomach feeling is actually brought on by hunger? When the nurse told me this I almost cried harder because it seemed like a cruel joke. I know you are not going to want to eat anything. Ever. I understand…but this is totally legit. Proteins are where it’s at in this case. I ate peanut butter for an entire month. Keep a package of those little nabs in your purse and pop one in your mouth if you start to feel sick and you’ll notice that you will not actually ever throw up. This is the beginnings of your baby telling you exactly what you are in for. “Mommy if you don’t meet my needs…I am going to make you want to die. Love you!”

5. Don’t be afraid to drink soda. Everyone always talks about what pregnant women have to give up when they get knocked up. I find most of these things to be bullshit, honestly. YOU CAN DRINK CAFFEINE. The caffeine is NOT what hurts your baby or what doctors are concerned about–it’s dehydration. So, if you want to have a soda each day…just make sure you are drinking like 5 glasses of water to counter-balance that. Caffeine settles upset stomachs and helps with headaches and fatigue. So, go ahead. Be naughty and get dirty looks from people in public. It’s fun to be naughty.

Morning sickness is the beginning of what I like to call ‘Things That People Say Will End But You Don’t Really Believe Them Until They Do In Fact Stop’. You’ll see a number of these things leading all the way up to the birth and then continuing on after that. It’s fun.

Everyone told me that the vomiting would stop once I hit the second trimester. Ha! I’m not even going to survive that long, silly! I’ve already made out my will. You can have my Playstation.

And then, one day…I woke up. Got ready for work. And was suddenly STARVING. I thought, “Hm, what is this strange sensation in my stomach? I think I’ve felt it before it seems so long ago..oh wait..I’M HUNGRY. OH MY GOD I’M SO HUNGRY IF I DO NOT EAT 4 BAGELS RIGHT NOW I AM GOING TO PASS OUT. OH MY GOD DEAR HUSBAND PLEASE GO TO BRUEGGERS RIGHT NOW. I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU BRING BACK. CARBS. I NEED CARBS.”

So, you will survive. You will get hungry. And then you will get so wonderfully fat that it will all seem like a horrible, horrible nightmare.