10 things that you will appreciate more when you are pregnant:
March 6, 2011, 2:50 pm
Filed under: pregnancy

1. pants with drawstrings–I had a horrible time finding pants to fit me, especially late in the game. Pre-pregnancy I was able to wear a 12/14 size pants in kids because I am so short…unfortunately, they do not make maternity pants in those sizes (or maybe that’s fortunately). I made due with lots of drawstring and yoga pants. It wasn’t very stylish, but your sense of fashion tends to go out the window around month 7, trust me.

2. a good back job. A back job consists of a 45 minute marathon of intense scratching, followed by even more intense kneading. Maybe kneading isn’t the right word. I would literally tell my husband to punch me in my lower back to work out the kinks. It felt heavenly.

3. a deep, soaking bathtub. Now, I’m only assuming I would have appreciate this if I had one. At around 5 months, I was no longer able to submerge myself fully in a bath. I would still take one every night, in the name of sanity, but I felt mostly like a beached whale. Let’s not even discuss the process of me getting *out* of the bathtub. My husband would often think I had gone into labor when the time came for me to haul my large self from the horizontal to vertical position. Near the end I wouldn’t even take a bath unless he was home because it was just that hard to get up. Neat.

4. your feet. I stopped being able to see mine around the same time I became a beached whale. You may be asking yourself why being able to see your feet is important. I’ll leave it to you to answer that question when the time comes for you to try and shave your legs with a beach ball cutting you off in the middle.

5. public restrooms. This is pretty self-explanatory, I think. However, even if you are in a store that doesn’t claim to have a public restroom, make sure you ask anyway. Those employees have got to be going *somewhere* and most people go out of their way to make sure big, fat pregnant woman are a.) happy and b.) not likely to go into labor in their presence.  You will also notice this phenomenon when standing in line at the grocery store, especially if you are holding your items. You get boosted right to the front of the line.

6. having control over your emotions. You know that scene from Saved by the Bell? Jessie Spano and the speed pills? I’m so excited….I’m so…scared! That will be you. Every. Single. Day. And it’s okay.

7. an understanding boss. If you are like me, and planning to work up until you go into labor (aka a masochist), it’s important to have a boss who understands that while it’s super awesome they get a few more weeks out of you, they should plan on your working probably only 65% of the time..and even then only at half of your normal efficiently. The last month of my pregnancy I would go into work maybe 4 out of the 5 days of the work week and schlump around the building, taking pee breaks every half an hour and spending a lot of time sitting down. My boss and all my co-workers were very understanding…I think they were all just glad that I was there and that I wasn’t working so hard that I would go into labor (that’s right) in their presence.

8. getting checked out by guys. Here’s the thing: I love my husband. Dearly. But, there was always a sense of satisfaction when I was out and about and would still get checked out by guys who were not him. I like to keep my stock in check. And nothing depleted that stock more than the first time a guy walked by me, started to give me the once over and stopped at the bump, arched a brow and walked (or ran?) quickly away. Calm down dude. I may be fertile but you’re not going to knock me up just by looking at me.

9. Tums Smoothie antacids. I still remember the very second my heartburn set in. I was sitting on the couch and burped. And then I thought I was going to die. It was LITERALLY like fire was coming up from my stomach. And it didn’t go away for 4 months. FOUR. MONTHS. It would get so bad at night that I would throw up blood. Not from my stomach or from any organs shutting down, but from my esophagus blistering. Gross. Tums Smoothies work miracles and taste like candy. STOCK UP. (ps–that old myth about heartburn leading to child with a full head of hair? bullshit. my tiny human is STILL bald, 4 months after giving birth to her. I want my money back.)

10. sex. Okay. Here’s the thing with sex in the last trimester: even if you still have a raging libido (some of us do); even if your husband can still muster the courage to venture into the part of your body where there is another human being; even if the both of you can ignore the leaking-boob-syndrome; you will be hard pressed to find a position that you can physically handle. Missionary? Nay. On top? Are you kidding? Any of those other, more adventurous positions? You’ll get a Charlie Horse (side note: for Charlie Horses and cramps, try not to tense your leg or massage the pained area….instead, slowly stretch the muscle. It’ll hurt worse at first and then go away).

So, with sex this late in the game, it’s mostly an A for effort, but an F for execution. Get used to it now, because after the baby comes….even when you medically get cleared for the duty, you’ll still be a little scared to get back in the water.