entering the vortex of labor: a short story.
July 31, 2011, 11:29 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Checking in to deliver a baby is a lot like checking in to a hotel.

Except you are in a lot of pain.

And they take your underwear.



It should also be noted that Husband was in such a tizzy while driving me to the hospital he took the wrong route. So, instead of a short half an hour drive through the countryside, we drove the back way through downtown Raleigh and passed I THINK every other hospital in the history of the world. I told him to just pull over several times and I would just try one of those. I’m sure they wouldn’t turn me away and make me stay in the stable.

Anyway, we FINALLY get to MY hospital and, as I said, I waddled up to the check-in desk and said “Um oh hay, I am having a baby.” Dude was all calm and kind of snarky and asked if we had registered.


So he finds me in the computer and then informs me that there is a separate waiting area for laboring mothers. I have to take the elevator up, walk down the long hall and the room will be on the left.

Is he serious? Don’t give me directions with STEPS right now.

So we travel to Narnia or the labor and delivery wing or wherever we were and I kind of just go into the rest room across from the waiting room and sit on the toilet and …leak…until I hear a very sweet voice talking to my husband asking where I was and he informs her that I am waiting in a place where I will not make a horrendous mess. She finds this very funny and opens the bathroom door, coaxing me out into the sunlight so we can go to my room.

We get all undressed and hooked up in bed…and then we wait.

Now, just because my water broke didn’t actually mean I was contracting. I wasn’t. At all. Raise your hand if you know what this means. If you guessed Pitocin, you are correct! Except you win no prize because Pitocin is the devil. I got through the night with my first bag, having kind of regular contractions and dilating at a pretty regular rate. And then, around 6 the next morning, I stopped dilating. At some point around here I got the Epidural, too. Oh no! Not dilating anymore?? LET’S GIVE YOU MORE PITOCIN. Now, this is mostly annoying because every time they would hang a new bag, I would (sardonically, I’ll admit) tell them I’ll see them in 3 minutes when I page them for more pains medicine. Ps, did I mention my Epidural wore off? TWICE? Okay.

I finally dilated fully at 9 the next night. We were coming up on 24 hours of being in labor. Let’s do this thing.

Pushing was not something I am able to articulate in a witty and sarcastic way, nor is it anything I really recall in a happy frame of mind. I blame this mostly on the fact that that stupid Sarah Palin Alaska show was playing on my tv and no one turned it off. I guess I kind of blame it on Little Human’s very large head, a bit. A tiny bit. But mostly on Sarah Palin.

Needless to say, I pushed for 2 hours, tore my body to bits and then they decided after all of that, “Hey. this baby is too big for you! oh gosh! you’re going to need a C-Section!”



…oh, word?