the dangers of growing humans–reflections on the Newtown, Ct school shootings
December 18, 2012, 2:37 am
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I hurt.

I hurt for all the mothers that will never be able to demand kisses from their sweet babies.

I hurt for all the fathers that spent hours in Toys R Us picking out the perfect Christmas gift for their son who just wanted an awesome Star Wars Lego Set. It’s sitting in the closet now, wrapped. Where it will stay.

No one ever thinks about their babies dying. Not at birth, not from natural causes, not from Cancer, and most and horrifyingly of all, not from a man with a semi-automatic gun shooting them and all of their friends.

What do you do?

What can you do?

I remember when I had Tiny Human I was terrified of her leaving my body. She was protected there–I knew exactly how to protect her because it was the same as protecting myself. She was connected to me.

But what do we do when we send them out? Out of our wombs, our hands, our houses?

The answer is nothing.

The answer is everything.

We cannot control how long our children live in this world.

But, if we try a little bit harder, we can make sure it is a good life for them.

We can let them stay up late.

We can have that cookie before dinner.

We can run around the fountain at the mall. Or, even skip. Skipping is always good.

We can learn how to say “I love you” in different languages.

We can love and love and love and then open the door and just pray. And remember our parents had the same fears.

I can’t even fathom putting my 2 year old Tiny Human on a school bus by herself one day.

Heck, I can’t even fathom putting her in this toddler bed that’s been sitting in our garage for a year.

But aren’t I lucky, that I can still have these fears? These hopes? She will sleep in that bed one day very soon. She will get on that bus.

Friday night I sat in the car with The Husband and I started to cry. Not the heaving, sobbing cry that would come later once I really processed the losses of the families in Connecticut, but a soft, surprising weep.

“I love her too much. And it scares me.” I said.

But that is all I can do.  All any of us can do, to protect our babies. We can love them until it scares us and then love them a little bit more.