growinghumans


This post has nothing to do with raising children.
May 25, 2014, 9:04 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I have been trying to write a new post for about two weeks. I have tried to write something about bullying in middle school; I could not find the words. I have tried to write about disciplining my child; I could not find the words. 

 

I have not been able to find many words lately. 

I am on my third different kind of medication for trying to treat my bipolar disorder. When I started this new journey at the beginning of the year, I felt brave and strong; I felt like for once I was doing something about my ever increasing depression and mood swings and that I would find the answers I was looking for by finally turning to a psychiatrist. Instead, I have been met with sleeplessness, allergic reactions, and a dulling wit.

 

Oh, and depression.

 

 

Still. 

I feel like I am nearing the end of my patience for this journey. At what point do I admit that I was actually better off before even putting these medications in my body? 

Making a step like I did in admitting that I needed this kind of help in the first place is a big step. No one ever talks about what happens if you have to take that step back.

No one ever talks about what happens if you, in fact, fail at your epiphany. 



I don’t care about having a bikini body.
May 6, 2014, 11:03 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Two weeks ago I started a shake-based diet. I lasted four days and then ate a cheeseburger. Here’s the thing:

 

I was very small before I had Tiny Human.

I was very big while I carried Tiny Human.

I had a c-section to get Tiny Human out of my body. 

 

I have a gut. Raise your hand if you have the gut that won’t go away. 

I can’t tell if it’s because I care too much, or if I don’t care even a little bit but this weekend I went to the beach and I wore a tank top over my bathing suit. I don’t necessarily feel pressures from society to look a certain way; in fact, I feel the exact opposite. The world is pressuring me to flaunt my flaws. 

The world is fixated on glorifying mother’s battle scared bodies lately. To be honest, I don’ t think the world is ready for that and I don’t think women are ready or willing to share that. Our bodies look this way because we grew a human inside of our bodies. There is nothing glamorous about that but there is everything beautiful in it.

By saying that women should be proud and show the world their bellies is almost exactly the same as telling women that they should have flat bellies. I have felt this exact feeling; I have said to myself “I need to lose weight so I look like a fit mom”.

The reality is that my stomach looks like a basset hound’s nose a little bit but my kid is happy. 

So, pardon me while I cover that up. I don’t want to look at it. I don’t think anyone else particularly wants to look at it. And I don’t think that by covering up a part of my body that is covered up every day to begin with is demeaning to my self worth. I don’t want to show my stomach because it is not attractive; stop telling me that I should show my stretch marks and saggy stomach because that’s the only way I can demonstrate how strong and proud of a mother I am. 

I am strong.

I am proud.

 

 

And I am wearing this tank top over my bikini.