A post that I feel like I need to write, but I don’t really want to read.
August 13, 2014, 3:46 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I know that I just posted Sunday evening, guys.

But so much has happened. Robin Williams killed himself.

And I am so sad and so angry about it.
Everyone is writing about mental illness awareness and reaching out to people when you feel the darkness and/or the monsters creep up your spine.
I know this feeling, most severely depressed people know this feeling.

It’s terrifying in its familiarity.

What is more terrifying is when you don’t notice it.
Robin Williams was the man of a million faces. What a perfect defense mechanism against yourself; if I am not a real person 90% of the time then I only have to deal with my own terrible thoughts 10% of the time.
People often wonder why the funny people, the comedians, are the saddest people around.
To hide. To forget. To ignore.
That is why.

But, like most drugs, the more you use a mechanism, the harder it is to come back from it.
Years and years of relying on other fake identities to push through life will corrupt your coping skills.
Poor Robin.
Poor Robin must have woken up yesterday alone.
I don’t mean in the physical sense in that no one was around him to hold his hand and help him through this crisis.
I mean, his mind was quiet. There was no screaming old lady, no Jewish tailor, no Genie to lead him away from the monster that had been clutched around his brain stem for years and years.
He was unarmed, you see. The worst kind of alone.

Suicide prevention is important; depression treatment is even more important. People walk around every day, smiling, with monsters on their back–like ticking time bombs. Maybe they drink, maybe they use drugs, or maybe they hide beneath a happy facade.

The happiest people aren’t the most depressed; the most depressed people are just the best actors.
If you stick a person in the jungle for 10 years alone with a bow and arrow, that person is going to be the best archer you have ever seen. Humor was Robin’s survival mechanism. He wore different faces so that his depression could not recognize him.
But what has happened is that expert archer was thrown into a cave with a dragon and only given a sword.
Maybe he brushed off therapy. Maybe he thought just taking medication was enough. Maybe everyone around him just simply bought his charade.

But poor Robin was unarmed against his monster and that is the biggest tragedy about this.
I don’t care if he hanged himself with his belt and slit his wrist. I don’t care if his toxicology reports come back with drugs in his system. I don’t care if he had just completed another round of rehab.

Robin Williams is dead and that is unacceptable to me.

If you are feeling depressed, go to a therapist. Do not wait until you have suicidal thoughts and rely on a 1-800 number. When you are at the point when you are having suicidal thoughts, you will forget what a phone is, most likely. Take care of yourself. Acknowledge your emotions and deal with them in real time. Do not be afraid of your mind.
For Robin.


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