growinghumans


I see your Terrible Two’s and raise you THREE.
September 7, 2014, 11:06 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

As we draw closer to Tiny Human’s fourth birthday, I feel that I am close enough to the finish line to declare,

“WHAT THE MOTHER OF CRAP IS UP WITH THREE?” 

 

 

Seriously. 

This is a TERRIBLE FREAKING AGE. 

I feel like I have been living in a hostage negotiation situation for the last 10 months. 

I’m all like, 

Ma’am, please put down the full cup of milk. I can see you’re upset. Let’s not do anything irrational here. 

And Tiny Human is all like,

BUT I HAVE DEMANDS. I HAVE SEVERAL DEMANDS. MOST OF THESE DEMANDS ARE CENTERED AROUND NETFLIX AND VANILLA PUDDING. 

So then I say,

Okay ma’am, I hear you. I know you are upset about the embargo that has been placed on Jake and the Neverland Pirates, but really you’ve been watching it for 7 hours straight and your eyes are dilated differently and I’m no expert but I think that’s probably enough tv for now. Here’s a pudding cup. Go read a book. Okay?

Which, you know, should cover the issues. 

BUT THEN BEDTIME HAPPENS. 

Oh, bedtime. 

Tiny Human reaches a new level of critical mass, 

I HAVE NEW DEMANDS.

Jesus, it’s 8:30 pm…I don’t have time for new demands. I need to be entering my OWN bedtime routine, and I am still coaxing her into her bed. 

There was a time where the escalation of hostility was so severe at bedtime, that every night I would find myself holding her bedroom door closed, while she raged inside of her room, throwing her body against the door and cursing the day she ever met me.

I may have made up that last part, but you all know what I mean, right?

Right.

Because every mother I have talked to these last 10 months has absolutely understood what I was going through. 

Which is super adorable except that NO ONE EVER WARNED ME ABOUT THREE. 

Terrible two’s! Oh, those two’s! Watch out for those two’s! 

Atleast my two  year old STAYED IN HER CRIB WHEN I PUT HER TO BED.

Atleast my two year old HAD A LIMITED VOCABULARY AND THUS COULD NOT EMOTIONAL TERRORIZE ME. 

Atleast my two year old WAS STILL SMALL ENOUGH FOR ME TO PHYSICALLY HANDLE WHILE THROWING A FIT.

Now listen, it’s not all bad. It’s super awesome that my Tiny Human is now at the age where she is recognizing words, drawing recognizable things, and NOT WEARING DIAPERS PRAISE THE LORD. 

But holy freaking crap was this a rough year. 

 

So, LET THIS SERVE AS YOUR WARNING, PARENTS OF TINY HUMANS UNDER THREE. 

You may think you have it rough now. You may think that at 2 1/2 you are almost to the end of the tunnel.

You are wrong. There is no light. 

 

Only three. 

God speed. 

 

 

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