An Open Letter to the Universe:
September 27, 2014, 11:05 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized



I am trying really  hard down here.

I am back on the pills. I am taking the damn pills. 

I am reengaging in my life.

I am doing community theater.

I dyed my hair PURPLE.

I am trying to claw my way out of the dark place I have been for the last few months. I am trying so very hard that you up there must surely see; you must hear my efforts.

So, that mom at the birthday party I was at this afternoon? The one that asked me when I was due?

That wasn’t necessary. 

I’m not pregnant.
I may actually never be pregnant again, so when I gain 5 pounds from the medication I am taking to help me out of the dark place …that’s not helping.

That’s making me break out into hives; that’s making me recede back into myself.

I read so many blogs about women who are fighting this battle. We call ourselves warriors. We believe that we are stronger than what is going on inside of us.

But I cannot fight the inside and the outside. I do not believe I am that strong.

And I know this mother did not mean it in a bullying way. I know that she is probably still thinking about how she said that to me and how mortified she must be and that’s all well and good…

but it’s still not helping.

I know everything I will put into my body will give me side effects. That’s mostly why I stopped taking medication months ago but then the bottom of the world fell out from underneath me and I discovered that I am just going to have to deal if I want to maybe stay sane.

So, universe, I am dealing.

I take my medication every evening. On an empty stomach. 4 hours before I need to be asleep and 12 hours before I need to be awake. I was an English major–that’s like math I can’t even do. 

But I take them. I deal with the grogginess, the absentmindedness, the cotton mouth, the other unpleasant side effects.

Hell, I even deal with the weight gain. It’s fall now; I can layer.

But I can’t deal with double edged situations in which I am reminded that I am actually gaining the weight and that I should be pregnant again.

Do you hear me?

I am turning 30 in two weeks and I know that statistically I should be having more babies by now, but I’m not.

And that’s my business.

One tiny human is fulfilling me; us. I have my family.

So, no, other mother of a Tiny Human, I am not due. Not ever. It’s just the weight I’ve been putting on from the anti-psychotics I’m on right now. Can you pass me a piece of birthday cake?

And as for you, universe, I expect better.

I am a damn good soul.

Give me a hand down here, please?


7 Comments so far
Leave a comment

I love your brilliant mind young lady!!!

Comment by jennsmind13

Girl. You are not alone. We are here with you.

Comment by Jenna Hatfield

Oh yes with the fighting the inside and the outside. Goodness. You’re so not alone in that. And yes, it feels like way too much. We’re here.

Comment by Life With Roozle

Goodness. The fight feels like just too much sometimes. It’s okay to be not okay. We’re here.

Comment by Life With Roozle

Hang in there and please keep writing. Your story matters.

Comment by kcourt40

This is me, signing your petition to the universe. All of us here, all of us readers – we’re all signing it. We’ve got your back.

Comment by Katie

[…] I’m Not Pregnant; I’m Just Gaining Weight from the Pills: Originally posted on her blog and then featured on BlogHer, this post by Carrie is a must read about mental health, the way we […]

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