growinghumans


On being bigger than your body
November 24, 2014, 12:25 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I was just sitting on my couch, crying.

My Tiny Human turns 4 years old tomorrow and her birthday party was today.

When I was younger; before I was married or moved away from my home, I dreamed of what I would do with my soul. I always would imagine myself moving across the sea to a country that needed help; I would help raise baby apes, I would be the people on those YouTube videos hugging grateful lions. That is the kind of life I always imagined for myself as a child. I imagined a large life with a large expanse and a large feeling of constant validation.

Instead, I am normal.

I moved just far enough from my home to still see my family when I need them.

I went to college.

I married.

I bought a house.

I had a child.

My life is unremarkable on a broad expanse; my marriage has issues like everyone’s, my dining room table is always cluttered, I hardly know what to do with my child half of the time.

I find myself menial. I find myself floundering against the tide that I thought I would be surfing along as a 30 year old.

I have written no books. I have no advanced degrees. People across the world are no different because I exist.

But, today, at my child’s birthday party, I was a good mother.

I felt it, deep in my soul. I was told it. People told me I was doing a great job.

I believed them. 

And something in my soul stirred.

Trying to be a good mother and legitimately believing you are one are completely different things and often times we fake our way through the feeling and believing part because it doesn’t really matter.

It does matter. 

I am here to tell all of you mothers that.

Feeling like you are a good mother, even if just for one night is worth the years and years of effort and emotional turmoil.

My physical, exterior life may not be expansive; to the world I may only be one person.

But to my daughter, to my Tiny Human, I am the world.

And that is the most expansive feeling I have felt in maybe my whole life.

Be expansive.

Let your heart expand.

You are a good mother. 

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1 Comment so far
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Touching. Have you ever listened to the podcast One bad mother? You might enjoy it, and I bet you might have some clever things to submit for their genius/fail or rant sections.

Comment by Blaze2242




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