growinghumans


What it’s like for her
January 29, 2015, 3:46 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

you-re-not-alone

My last post was about what it’s like to be a mother with bipolar disorder; and I have to be honest, I didn’t do a lot of writing about being a damn mother. That’s because when I find myself deep in the throws of an episode, my ability to be an effective mother disappears.

So, I thought today I would explore what my Tiny Human sees and hears and experiences with a mother like me.

 

She is in the bed again. She got out long enough to feed me dinner and then crawled back in. I could tell she had been crying and I asked her why she was sad. She told me she didn’t know and I don’t know what that means. How can you not know what is making you sad? When I’m sad it’s because I don’t like my dinner or I got in trouble or Octonauts turned off.

Why is she so sad?

This has been happening a lot lately.

Sometimes I hear her cry. Sometimes she gets out of the bed and tries to play with me but I can tell she is tired and doesn’t want to be around me. So I sit in her lap. I touch her face. I tell her I love her. This almost always makes her cry. Hard. I hug her tightly. We call it “Big Hug”. It’s a pretty big hug.

She yells at my daddy sometimes. Not at him, because he’s not in trouble, but because she seems scared. I don’t know what she has to be scared of. We are safe in this house. We have one another. My daddy always looks tired after those talks with mommy. Maybe sad, too.

I just wish she could tell me why she gets so sad.

She tried to tell me one time that there was something inside of her that makes her more sad than other people. She told me that if I ever feel sad that I shouldn’t be afraid of crying or telling anyone that I feel sad. I shouldn’t hide the feeling, she said. She hid hers when she was younger and now it beats her up, she says.

But I feel ok. I tell people when I am feeling sad. I am not afraid of things. I am a big girl.

I can make her better.

 

This entry has broken my heart to write; because I know it’s true.  This is the dance we do when I have an episode.

This blog has always been a form of therapy for me. It’s always been cathartic and a way to deal with my demons in a platform that I feel better armed to face them. But, this topic is something I have been running from–my Tiny Human seeing her mommy deal with a disease.

I need

to do

better.

Months ago I wrote about using her, this Tiny Human girl, as my talisman during an anxiety attack. I need to latch on to that feeling. Because if I, if we as women suffering, let these things infest our minds in a way that we are incapable of parenting, then not only is the child missing out but WE are missing out.

We are only punishing ourselves when we let our mental demons run our lives–it may seem like our loved ones are the victims but it is us, US, that miss out on the joys that active parenting bring.

Glennon, over at Momastery, talks a lot about showing up, even if you aren’t ready. That’s what the world needs for people like me. I need to show up to be her mother even if I don’t feel 100% ready to do it. I am already her mother, things will fall into place and we will, in turn, fall into a rhythm that is appropriate for our situation.

The demons can’t always win.

I get to win.

Love should always win.

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2 Comments so far
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Well, this slayed me.

And this:

“Glennon, over at Momastery, talks a lot about showing up, even if you aren’t ready. That’s what the world needs for people like me. I need to show up to be her mother even if I don’t feel 100% ready to do it. I am already her mother, things will fall into place and we will, in turn, fall into a rhythm that is appropriate for our situation.”

Yeeeeeeeeeah, I wish I had known that twelve years ago.

You are not alone.

Comment by Jenna Hatfield

That was very brave and I love you for being brave. I am thankful for our friendship because you are willing to put yourself out on the line even when it’s hard. Big hugs.

Comment by Mia




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