growinghumans


In the trenches
March 2, 2015, 3:47 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I had planned on writing this incredibly introspective entry on depression once I got through this severe case of it; however, the bastard of depression still has its cold, mean hands wrapped around my neck, dear readers. I thought I should probably write anyway.

Things have been very dark the last few weeks for me, despite my usual attempts to distract myself from my problems. My brain is under some other control beyond myself.

I am covered in a strange sort of hives. My hair is falling out. I have no appetite and have lost weight.

Each day I feel myself go through the motions of my life; I smile and laugh when Carrie would. I do my job. I take care of my child. I kiss my husband on the cheek.

But when I get into my bed and curl up into a little ball, as if that will protect me from myself, I am left with nothing but the thoughts in my own head. I am unreachable once I get into the bed. I cry. I heave. I become unresponsive to the world around me.

Yesterday I thought about how funny it is to see yourself letting yourself go, physically. It starts simple; a skipped shower here and there, not bothering to wear makeup to work anymore. Then the slippery slope of not wanting to get dressed or wearing the same hoodie three days in a row happens and soon you look in the mirror and you see a woman who needs help. You see the shell of a girl who is being consumed by something from the inside. You realize you haven’t eaten a square meal in two days. You realize it is time for help.

I go to the psychiatrist on Wednesday. I will be fine.

But to write about this sort of entropy while still experiencing felt like something I should do; there is always a rush when I let myself become this vulnerable to whoever is even reading this.

Because sometimes, not often, I will get messages or texts from people who know what I am talking about. They take courage from not feeling alone. They offer me the same courage in return.

So, my sisters and brothers who are soldiers against their own mind; I am here to tell you that I am down here in the trenches. I am fighting the battle and I am wounded and tired. But the cavalry will be here shortly; just two days away.

I just have to keep calm and carry on.

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