I tried guided meditation and it didn’t suck
March 19, 2015, 12:35 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

imagesSeveral people have recommended guided meditation to me to use as a coping mechanism–my therapist included as of today.

So,tonight, I gave it a shot. Nothing fancy; I just Youtubed “Guided Meditation” and clicked on the one with the most views and I have to admit, I’m a fan. I thought I would share what my experience was like.

This wasn’t an intense meditation where you are taken on a journey or asked questions; instead, it’s a calm, British guy telling you to relax with gongs and waves in the background. Guys, I totally relaxed. This guy could have told me to eat one of my Keds and I probably would have done it at the end.

What I saw in my mind once I became fully relaxed was myself on a beach. On the beach in Maine where we would vacation every summer. It was a small, private beach, full of tall rocks to climb and tide pools to explore. I was sitting on one of these tall rocks, looking out into the sea. I couldn’t have been more than 12. Certainly not yet 13.

I looked very similar to myself now in that I was pale, thin, with short fine hair and a worried expression on my face. This was about the time in my life that I felt the true depths of depression take a hold of me and I found it confusing; I recognized that. I wasn’t worried about boys, or what to wear, or anything trivial that probably other girls my age were concerned with (a fact that would continue to fuel bullies well into middle school).

Instead, I was worried about myself. I was trying to figure out what to do with myself. I was trying to align myself with something, anything. I remember being young, this young, and feeling like I didn’t belong in my own body. I felt older. Awkward. Sullen. I was serious about reading, I would put on my headphones and mostly disappear from planet earth, I would journal a lot. I loved hippie stores. I loved the smell of incense. I loved trying yoga. I even tried to be a vegetarian. At 12. I was grasping for something, I could see that now. I watched, from behind, as past I looked out over the cold, choppy Northern Atlantic and searched.

This is where it started, I thought to myself, as the waves and gongs washed into my ears. This is a moment to remember. Hold on to this moment and remember that you should still be searching; you know you are still out of place here.

Maybe I will always be searching, maybe that’s what my problem is. I stopped searching. I stopped sitting. I stopped gazing at the sea. I grew up. I gave up.

And then, just as she appeared before me, she was gone. I was gone. The bleached denim shorts, the baggy sweatshirt, the bare feet and slight overbite. They all vanished from my mind and I was brought back. The connection was made. That was enough.

Search, Carrie. Gaze. Feel.

I am so afraid to feel anything lately because it all feels like too much but I need to trust that I am strong enough for real feelings. If 12 year old me can handle the vastness of these emotions, 30 year old is certainly up to the task.



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Reblogged this on brooke d coleman.

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