Finding your mother
April 21, 2015, 2:38 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

There’s a commercial circulating the internet where a bunch of children are blindfolded and told to find their mothers who are all standing in a line. Every single child finds their mother. It’s wonderful.

This got me thinking about how I used to dream about my Tiny Human when I was pregnant with her. I knew she would have blonde hair. I knew she would have brown eyes. I knew what she would look like. When she came out of my tortured body, they held her up to me and all I could do is hum to myself “I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream”.

We belong to each other. We will always find one another.

There are times that Tiny Human says things to me and I can hardly believe she is only four. “The sad will be over soon, Carrie”, she will say. She will bring me tea parties in bed when I cannot seem to drag my depressed state from the room. She will hold my face in her hands and kiss my nose. It’s like she’s known me forever.

When she was first born, I did not immediately feel like a mother. I felt afraid, alone, over whelmed. I felt sad because I did not feel the bond immediately with her. I thought I was broken; that something had gone terribly wrong. But slowly, ever so slowly, I fell in love with my child. It was all her doing. She knew, even as a newborn she knew to be patient with me. She would coo and hold my hand and smile at me. She courted me, and I’ll be damned if it didn’t work. She found her mother.

Children will always find their mothers. My child continues to find me day after day. I need reminding once in a while that I am doing okay; with her, with life, with myself. She helps me find myself.

It is in that daily discovery that we live together; safe, warm, and loved. She is my beloved and I am hers.