Hostage Negotiation
October 27, 2015, 11:46 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Target is hard.

I took my Tiny Human to Target today because I needed to exchange something. While there, I decided to get her a Shopkins. If you don’t know what Shopkins are, GOD BLESS YOU. And Google them.


On the way to get the Shopkins, we passed the Disney Tsum Tsum display. If you don’t know what a Tsum Tsum is, GOD BLESS YOU. And Google them.

There was a lone Pooh Bear left in the display. Tiny Human picked him up, cuddled him and asked for him.

“You can’t have both the Pooh and the Shopkins.”

“Okay. Can I look at the Shopkins first?”


We walked to the Shopkins display and she found a set that she decided she wanted.

“Okay. Now you have to decide which you want more. You have $5 to spend.”

“I want both.”





or 3 minutes.

She wasn’t in tantrum mode yet, but I could tell we were heading that way and that wasn’t about to happen today when I was already riding the unstable highway, mentally.

“Okay, I need to find a few other things in the store. Would you like to walk around with both and then make an informed decision closer to check out time?”


Kids lie.

We walked around the store, collecting things we don’t need but needed because I had a 5% off coupon …so…

We decided Tiny Human needed a pair of sparkly ballet flats.

Because I can’t wear them.

“Are you ready to make your choice? We are done in the store.”


“Okay, which is going on the shelf?”

“None. I want them both.”





“Fine. Then none.”

“What if you put the shoes back and I get both?”

Is she joking right now?

“No, it doesn’t work that way.”

(It sort of works that way…)

This goes on for a while and snowballs into her crying in the shoe aisle.

“Okay. Give me both toys and I will decide.”

This clearly meant, in some other language, to please throw the Pooh Tsum Tsum at the shoe display shelf, lodging him down behind the fixture.

Which of course, resulted in a complete meltdown.

Which of course, resulted in a Target employee coming over and offering to retrieve the Pooh. To which I said NAY THIS IS GOD’S WORK. HE IS GONE.

Target member got what I was laying down and backed away slowly.

Tiny human was left, sobbing and holding her Shopkins set.

“But I wanted the Pooh all along…”

My heart shattered into a million pieces because LITHIUM WITHDRAWAL and I started finagling my childlike hands between the wall and the fixture, searching for the Tsum Tsum. I secretly found it but kept a straight face, realizing my moment of victory had arrived.

“If I can get this Pooh out, will you put the Shopkins back?”

She nodded, sniffling in the way that deprived, abused children generally do.

“Show me. Go put it on the shelf.”

She did and I pulled the Pooh Tsum Tsum from the crevice. Utter and sheer delight immediately spread across Tiny Human’s face.

“CAN WE GO HOME NOW?” I pleaded.

We did. In one piece. 2 hours later.



1 Comment so far
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“NAY THIS IS GOD’S WORK. HE IS GONE.” – hilarious. so so funny.

Comment by Susan Dorff

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