growinghumans


A Slippery Slope
November 3, 2015, 10:52 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I am going to be brave today.
I am going to talk about my relationship

with food.

Ok.

I’ve sat here for 5 minutes with my hands on my face looking for words.

Here’s the thing.

Another 2 minutes have passed.

Ok here’s the thing.

I have always used food as a control mechanism. Always.

If things feel out of control, I grasp for something I CAN control.

It’s never about how I look; it’s never about losing weight or starving myself. I never look anorexic.

But, if things around me are chaotic, if I am overwhelmed, if I cannot seem to ground my emotions…I can at the very least restrict what goes into my body.

Eventually, my stomach shrinks…the hunger doesn’t hurt as much and becomes a sort of high. Food feels like sawdust in my mouth. Eating is just an action that is necessary to keep vertical.

This sounds sick, and it is.

In college I was finally caught, by my husband, and entered an outpatient program through my college health center where I met with a nutritionist, made meal plans, and did blind weigh-ins. I have not owned a scale since 2005.

I was never cured. I still revert back to my behaviors.

I am currently reverting.

This isn’t a cry for help. This isn’t a clarion call.

I just felt like, as I sit here and eat pistachios as a meal, that maybe I could use words, instead of food, to control how I feel.

This feels better.

This feels more powerful.

Being hungry does not. It makes me hurt and feel tired and mortal.

So.

I’m going to try that.
I’m going to maybe eat three freaking meals today and I’m going to wield these damn words the way everyone tells me that I do.

Bravely.

Strongly.

Eat a sandwich. Write a blog post.

Rinse.

Repeat.

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1 Comment so far
Leave a comment

I mean, I could just say ditto. Though sometimes my food issues aren’t as conscious; I just simply forget to eat when I’m overwhelmed. But other times, it’s conscious. I’m currently in a good place.

I hope you are too.

Comment by Jenna Hatfield




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