Ugly Crying
November 20, 2015, 10:16 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

When my doctor and I decided to give myself a detox from medication it was for a few reasons–the most important ones being that I was starving myself and I was drowsy to the point where I should not have been operating a car. We decided that these things were more important and took the plunge, knowing that I only had to make it to my next appointment–December 1–and I would then hopefully get some better insight on what medication is going to be effective for my body.

Yesterday, at work, I found myself ugly crying in the break room. I was surrounded by a friend who hugged me as she said “I know you hate hugs but I am going to hug you until you stop crying and start laughing” and my boss who kept telling me that I could do this.

I had changed my mind, you see. I had given up. My naked emotional state became too much and I was too weak today to handle the inside of my head.

I wanted to pull those poisonous pills out of the drawer and down the whole bottle.

I kept crying. All day. Anything would set me off. I was defeated. I felt like a lost cause. People, all the people, said lovely things to me. That I was strong enough. That I was brave. That I only had to withstand it a little bit longer–only a week more. Things that I would say to anyone else fighting a hard battle.

When I got home, with my Tiny Human who was feeling ill, I collapsed onto the couch and cried for the 54th time. I sobbed to myself, “How do normal people do this? How do normal people live and feel joy? How do people not find every single second a struggle to stay vertical when all I want to do is curl up into a little ball and disappear.”

My husband arrived home from work while I was in this state.

He made me stand up. He held me by my shoulders. He braced his body against mine and silently held me as I placed all of myself against him. When I was done hyperventilating and the anxiety medication had kicked in, he softly said to me, “You are strong enough. You can do this because you have already done this. You have done this a hundred times. It’s not a matter of if you will feel better. The upswing will come.”

He braced me for the storm. If he could have crawled inside of my mind, inside of my heart, and fought my demons off himself, he would have.

I’ve been having terrible nightmares lately as a result of coming down from the medication. Violent nightmares where I am afraid to go back to sleep afterwards. They affect me in the day time. They make me feel on edge. He is never there to protect me in these nightmares and part of me originally resented him for not being there–what does that say about our relationship? Why was he not there to protect me?

But I realized, I needed to invite him in. I fight my battles on my own, you see. I never ask for help. I cry in corners where I don’t think others will find me. I say I am fine. I ask you about your problems instead. I don’t even go to therapy anymore.

I need to let people in. I need help. I need to accept the hugs until the laughter begins and the tears subside.

And I need to hang on for one more week .


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