November 26, 2015, 10:17 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

5 pm. I made it all the way until 5 pm on Thanksgiving before the emotional instability hit me like a sack of bricks.

All day I have been graceful. I have been organized and precise. I smiled and enjoyed the attention of my family.

But now, as the guests leave my house and the plates get loaded into the dishwasher, I find myself sinking into the floor. I want to put on my sweats. I want to get into bed. I want to give this day up.

Keep the skirt on, my husband urged. Let’s put up a Christmas tree.

Holiday to holiday I keep myself buoyant. Birthdays, holidays, family visits–I lean on these occasions like a crutch. I fear the times when I have nothing on the horizon; I fear being idle. That is when I lay in bed and think of what I could be doing with my life and why oh why can’t I seem to make anything ever happen. I think about what is wrong with me.

But, on these special days, I get out of bed with a bound. I do my hair. I put on a full face of makeup. I wear a special outfit and take picture after picture with my family. I smile. I smile so hard that I think my heart might get the message.

I use those pictures as propaganda. Look how happy this girl is right here. Who cares if all you have to do today is take care of your child. Get the hell out of bed and look like this. Feel like this. It’s going to be okay. You are capable of this sort of happy and more importantly you deserve this sort of happy.

So now, at 5:15 pm on Thanksgiving evening, I am going to eat another piece of pie. I am going to miss my very pregnant sister who couldn’t be with me this year. I am going to take down my fall decorations and haul them out to the garage and just like that it will be Christmas in my house. I will sit on the couch tonight. I will light a fire and drink spiked egg nog and look at the tree. I will keep my head above water for now.

I am thankful for everything that you’ve probably already read on social media today–my health, my family, my husband, my house, good food, God.

But mostly, I am thankful for small reasons to keep my head above the water. I am thankful for this pie, right now in this moment.


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