What is wrong with me?
December 5, 2015, 6:08 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I went back to the psychiatrist this week to get the results from my genetic test. I had to go with my Tiny Human which always feels like child abuse, but what can you do?

I sat on the nice, white, leather sofa as the psychiatrist asked me how I had been feeling since going off all medication.

“Not great. Not in control. Super weepy.”

She asked me how my motivation to get things done was doing and I laughed because I had just finished having my parents at my house for a week, my mother being sick, my Tiny Human’s birthday party, and Thanksgiving. Dear doctor, I didn’t have a chance to not be motivated. Someone had to do all of this crap.

She then took out her computer and pulled up my results. She said there were two things that stood out to her:

One, I had an enzyme, or something, that was making it hard to metabolize certain medications. What this means is that when I was test out certain prescriptions and not feeling anything, there was a reason. I needed a much higher mg level to feel anything with these drugs.

Second, I was lacking receptors in my brain that grab serotonin. Serotonin is a chemical that people normally have that makes them able to feel happiness. I wasn’t able to receive as much of it as normal people.

I asked for a print off of the results. I clutched them to my chest as we walked out of the office. Once we got to the elevator, my Tiny Human asked why I was crying.

“Because,” I told her.

“Because there’s actually something wrong with me.”

When you have depression, anxiety, OCD, anything…you get to a point in your treatment where you plateau. Nothing seems to be helping and you begin to wonder if there even is something wrong with you.

Maybe I’m just being dramatic? Maybe I just need to suck it up? Maybe I’m just having a bad week, month, year?

Maybe I need to do more yoga, pray, exercise, walk in the sunshine, take vitamins.

But, no, look here. There is something chemically–biologically–wrong with me.

This isn’t just about wanting attention or feeling bad for myself or asking too much from life.

My brain


be as happy as normal people.

To hear that, to see it written down was such a relief that I quietly broke down for the two minutes it took to walk from the elevator to the car.

And now, we have a better plan. I’m not just taking arbitrary medications that make me feel awful. I’m trying an old prescription; I stopped taking it because I felt it wasn’t doing anything but never noticed many side effects. I am slowly, but aggressively increasing the mg level over the next few weeks to almost the max recommended. I will then take blood tests to monitor what it’s doing in my body.

Before, on Lithium, I felt like we were just throwing bombs from the air at random places. The exact target wasn’t quite being hit and the destruction level was high. Now, I feel like I have a team of snipers on my side.

We have scoped out the enemy. We know where they live. We are dialing in and firing well-calculated shots that shouldn’t disrupt anything else around them.

At least, that’s my hope.

It’s easy to be negative about everything at this point, after everything I’ve been through.

But you know what? Let’s give positive a try. Let’s brush the dust off of optimistic, get out the jumper cables and give it a go.


1 Comment so far
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Amazing that this is even a thing that can be determined. I hope it’s a step toward so much more joy for you. Keep praying too. The knowledge you just gained is an answered prayer for many. Xo

Comment by Sarah

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