growinghumans


Broken
March 5, 2016, 11:27 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

My husband and I were talking about possible upgrades and updates we would eventually like to tackle on our fixer-upper home that we have been living in for 6 years.

“Well, that cabinet in our bathroom is definitely going to have to be replaced,” he stated.

Let me tell you a story.

Bipolar people are always portrayed as depressed, down and out, sad and stuck in bed. We have no motivation to do anything.

There is another side to being bipolar.

A few years ago, several things were going on in my life that I had absolutely no control over. As a type A bipolar woman, this was an absolute disaster. It eventually culminated into a huge anxiety attack, throwing of objects, self harming, and kicking my bathroom cabinet until is completely split in half.

As soon as I had broken the cabinet, I remember that I recoiled–I didn’t want to break anything. The monster inside of me had broken that cabinet. I slid against the wall down the ground and screamed into my folded arms.

Ever since that day, we simply hang a hand towel from that cabinet to cover up the split in the wood.

We don’t talk about it because it’s pointless. That wasn’t me. I had no control. There was nothing really at the time that could have stopped me from damaging things around me.

Men break things all the time. They punch holes in walls, break chairs, throw video game controllers to the floor. “Oh, he just has a temper,” we say.

When a woman lashes out completely beyond on control, we are monsters. We are questionable mothers, psychotic wives, questionable employees.

In a way, I want to keep that cabinet door the way it is. Looking at it when the hand towels are in the washing machine reminds me of how far I can spiral if I don’t keep myself in check, take my medications as directed, breath.

I have learned to stop taking things out of control and making them my problem. I cannot do anything about things out of my control. All I can do is control my reaction to them. Kicking cabinets until they break is not the ideal reaction.

That cabinet serves as a constant reminder that says, “You may feel like things are horrible right now and that you will never again feel normal–but look here, see how far you have come.”

It is a altar, a shrine, a broken mirror.

A reminder that you are better than you once were.

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Love your blog, please post more!

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