Little Darlin’
March 10, 2017, 7:28 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I am reading/coloring Jenny Lawson’s new book, You Are Here. Mostly 100% of it is hitting me hard. Really hard. But I just saw a line while flipping through the pages to find another coloring project. It said “You can always see the sun”.

I remember when I was in such a dark place that it physically felt like someone was standing on my back as I sank deeper, face first into the mud, that I would never see the sun again.

I don’t mean the actual sun.

I mean light.

The thing that always strikes me about my own battle with depression is that it feels like my heart has turned into a stone, and a very heavy stone at that. It felt impossible some days to carry it around, some days I wouldn’t even bother. I would stay in bed, in a dark room with my dark heart and my dark thoughts, waiting for the lightness to arrive. I was waiting for the weight of my heart to be light again, I was waiting for my thoughts, my mind, to feel light again.

It took a year, dear readers. It took a year for the light to find me, for the sun to find me.

But it never occurred to me that I could always find it–it didn’t abandon me. It never left. The sun may set on a certain part of the world, but it rises in another. It never occurred to me to chase the light.

I don’t mean buying plane tickets and running along the horizon to feel the sun on your face at all times (but maybe I am), I am talking about getting out of bed. I am talking about opening your curtains. I am talking about making yourself stronger so that while your heart is still made of granite, the burden will seem less. You will make it lighter. 

You will make it lighter.

I am a visual person when it comes to listening to music. Whenever I hear “Fix You” by Coldplay (which tends to be on repeat sometimes, because I am a masochist), I see a girl in the darkness while little circles of light appear around her and she keeps trying to jump into them, to stand in the light. She can’t do it; she is moving too slow and the light leaves before she can get there. Then, suddenly –and you can hear it in the song–she somehow does it. Maybe the light finally shines on her but what if, just what if, it’s because she finally ran fast enough towards it?

Run towards the sun.

If it feels like your body is made of cement and that all you want to do is hide in the darkness.

Run towards the sun.

If it feels like you will never feel that lightness of the heart again.

Run towards the sun.

If your thoughts feel so heavy that they drag you down beneath the waves of a stormy sea and you kick and flail but you get so tired of trying to not drown.

Run towards the sun. Swim towards the sun.

You can always see the sun.

Move, shift, run, get in a car and go somewhere where you feel the sun, where you feel light.

Lights will guide you home.


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