growinghumans


what nobody ever told me about my water breaking:
April 7, 2011, 12:02 am
Filed under: labor

not that I can blame them for withholding this information. I mean, it’s pretty gross and from what I understand a lot of women never even get to experience this little pleasure.

So, let’s start with what people DID tell me about my water breaking:

my mother told me it would feel like a gush of water and then a little constant drip, like a leaking faucet.

a few friends said it felt like peeing your pants.

my father told me to put a tarp on our bed so I wouldn’t ruin our mattress.

my OBGYN never even mentioned it.

okay. so. Now that we have that out of the way, this is what REALLY happened when my water broke:

I was 3 days away from my due-date. I had just decided the day before that I was maybe done working; and by working, sitting around a building wearing sweatpants, flip flops and a large frown on my face, spreading love and happiness wherever I went. No big loss on anyone’s part there.

I was in my usual spot: the bed. It was 10:30 at night. Which means I was watching Law and Order: SVU. I felt what I thought to be a little bit of discharge (gross, but happens a lot in the last trimester) and hopped…ish….out of bed to tend to myself. When I stood up it was that big gush of water my mother had mentioned and I literally flew from my spot to the toilet in our master bathroom. I sat myself down and waited for the gushing to stop.

Oh wait. It never did.

Now, when I say gush, I mean NIAGRA-FREAKING-FALLS. Here I am, 9 months pregnant, on the toilet upstairs. My husband was passed out on the couch downstairs (probably because there was no room left in the bed). I started yelling for him. Nothing. I yelled louder. Nothing. I finally started screaming like I was maybe dying or actually just in labor but it’s kind of the same thing. That did it. He appeared in the bathroom, white as a ghost.

“What do you need me to do?”

Um.

….

Um. Um. Um. Crap. What DID I need him to do? Think, Carrie, think. Okay. Game plan.

“Bring me my cell phone and then fetch the labor bag.”

I called my OBGYN office and left a message for the on-call doctor (all the while a. still on the toilet and b. praying that my favorite OB was on call and not thatonethatihatedandreallydidn’twantdeliveringme).

“Um. Hi. This is Carrie L*****. I am a patient there. A pregnant one. Right. My water just broke. It is actually still breaking. Anyway, if someone could call me back and tell me what to do so I can get off this toilet, that would be great. Okay. Thank you. Bye.”

….

“Okay here is the labor bag. It is empty.”

….Crap. I had meant to do that. Okay, tell him what to put in the bag.

The OB called back within probably 3 minutes but it felt like another 9 months (still gushing, don’t forget).

“Hi this is Doctor L********. ”

Yay! My favorite OB! He made a Star Trek reference during my first ultrasound. Clearly this man needed to pull my child out of me.

“Hi. My water broke.”

“Are you sure? Sometimes it’s just urine…”

I held up the phone to the toilet. YES. YES I DID. I’M NOT EVEN JOKING.

“Do you hear that sound? That is not the faucet running. That is stuff coming out of me.”

“Oh yes. Then okay your water broke. Come on in.”

“Should I wait for it to stop?”

“If it hasn’t stopped yet, it’s not going to.”

……WTF WTF WTF. WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT’S NOT GOING TO STOP. IT’S A 45 MINUTE DRIVE TO MY HOSPITAL.

“Um. Okay. What should I do?”

“Sit on a towel and don’t get pulled over.”

And off we went.

So, let’s review what no one ever told me about my water breaking:

-it may not feel like peeing your pants. unless you mean peeing your pants FOREVER AND EVER INTO ETERNITY.

-for the love of God, have your labor bag packed well ahead of your due date unless you want your husband picking our your baby’s coming home outfit. it will either be ugly or the wrong size.

-sometimes, it’s okay to call people from the toilet.

-Ice-T’s amazing acting may induce labor.

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