Just a few requests

Just a few requests

November 18, 2015, 10:29 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I’m 31. I graduated college. I got married. I bought a house. I had a baby. I have a job.

I don’t, really, ask for much from life. I don’t have many expectations from the universe at this point because that usually ends in disappointment.

However

I do have a few requests to just throw out there:

I need the entire Ikea catalog to be available for online purchase. There are only–what, 7 Ikea stores in the galaxy? Maybe more. It feels like 7. The closest one to my house is a 3 hour pilgrimage. If I want a new kicky Scandinavian duvet cover, I would like to go on my phone, pay $29, and have it arrive at my door. I don’t care if I have to assemble it.

I need people to GOOGLE BEFORE SPEAKING. If you don’t know which president to blame ISIS on, let’s google it. If you don’t know what bipolar means, let’s google it. If you don’t know if you could care less or couldn’t care less, let’s also google that. Ignorance breeds arrogance. Google makes you a winner. Every time.

I need underwear that costs $8.50 a pair to AT THE VERY LEAST cover my ass. My ass isn’t that big. This isn’t a thong. I can’t think of a single reason why half of my lower regions should not be covered when I sit or lay down. Your underwear costs more than glass of really nice wine; give me some fabric, please.

I need a gallon of milk to not cost more than a gallon of gas.

I need everyone to understand that if I want to put my Christmas tree up in the middle of April, that is ok. If Christmas and holiday decorations make you happy, put them up whenever you want to. Your happiness and joy is not designated to specific days out of the year. A wreath on my door is not offensive. It’s just not. Stop acting like it is. People are allowed to be filled with festive cheer whenever they damn well want to.

I need Jon Snow to still be alive or my entire theory for this series is completely screwed.

I need my cell phone company to stop calling me every hour on the hour the day my payment is due. Oh, you’ve called five times today? I WILL NOW PAY YOU. I WAS JUST WAITING TO SEE IF YOU REALLY WANTED THIS MONEY. Calm down, guys.

I need Chik-Fil-A to be open on Sundays. And deliver.

I need people driving in the far right lane of the highway to recognize that they are also in the merging lane and to GET OUT OF MY WAY. Do you think this is a video game? Do you think you are  accomplishing anything by blocking me from getting onto the highway? Does the Firefly sticker on my car offend you so much that I am no longer invited to merge? Get out of my way or I will drive my car into your trunk.

I need people to STOP STOP STOP RIGHT NOW IMMEDIATELY STOP generalizing hate. Atheists hate Christians. Christians hate Muslims. Democrats hate Republicans. Republicans hate liberals. Races hate other races. No refugees! No gay marriage! No gun control! No taxation without representation! Trump! Clinton! Feel the Bern! Everyone needs to chill out, form their own–INTELLIGENT AND INFORMED–opinion, and if…IF…you chose to broadcast it, make sure you leave room for other opinions. Because that’s all this is: opinions. Before you share yours, make sure you are open to a debate. WHICH IS WHY I DON’T SHARE MINE.

I need someone to make a good dry shampoo that doesn’t cost $25 a can.

That’s all.

 

Okay? Get on that, life. Thanks.

 

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